This video was posted back in August but its my first time seeing it. It only has a half million views so it hasn’t gotten the attention it deserves. Make no mistake, this is 2 minutes and 24 seconds of absolute perfection. It’s the reason why the internet was created and something of this magnitude deserves a full breakdown.

The Newsroom: 
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Usually I think the producers and reporters of these local news crews go out of their way to make stories funny or more interesting than they should be, but I don’t think that’s the case with WNEP16 The News Station. I’m pretty sure they think this story is LEGIT. It’s the most action they’ve gotten in a decade. Look at their facilities! This high tech room is the news hub for all of Central Penn! The map on the wall is proof just in case you didn’t think they were serious. I count 2 computers, although one isn’t turned on. A slick desktop printer, a functional yet fashionable house lamp, and of course a wall mounted TV to display their logo.  No time to clean up the background for the camera either. They work hard in the newsroom and aren’t afraid of a little clutter.
“People are upset because they didn’t have anywhere else to go for coffee and donuts”…jesus.

The Crime Scene
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CLOSED DUE TO EMERGENCY! This made me laugh out loud. I bet the employee who scribbled this message was escorted to the ambulance after posting it to get some oxygen and orange slices. True hero. He survived the emergency.
…not for nothing, but the “DD Perks coupons NOT working today” sign infuriates me. First of all, fuck you if you think I’m not getting my free coffee because your shit isn’t working. And it’s not a coupon it is a god damn app you backwoods hicks. I bet that sign was put up a couple days before too so it’s not just a “today” problem. It never is with those people. Just reboot the damn computer.  Finally- that tape job is criminal. What kind of maniac gets a length of tape like that and applies it vertically? Barbaric.

Police Officer Psycho
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I was caught off guard when the news lady started throwing around “psycho” so freely, but nope that’s just this cop’s awesome name. Ray Siko. This guy must get real tired from correcting people’s pronunciation of his name. My first attempt would be “seeko”, because calling him sicko or psycho seems rude.

Suspect Photo
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Seriously? What graphics intern saw these blobs of color and thought, yeah we have to include this in the story. We can file this under “you’ve gotta be fucking kidding me” and move on.

Alba Wehr
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This poor girl has to go to Turkey hill, where she doesn’t really like their donuts, she’d rather the donuts at Dunkin Donuts and she’s kinda dealing with it but she REALLY misses Dunkin Donuts.
This woman is serious about her donuts.

Dutch Smith
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Dutch! My man!! Goes to Dunks every day for his chicken bacon croissant and some coffee. He doesnt fuck around with that bagel stuff, his sophisticated palate goes for the french carbs. And hey, maybe he had a wild night and feels a bit hungover, Dutch makes the adult decision to re-hydrate with some powerade in lieu of coffee. Wow. Thanks for the insight, Dutch.
Oh wait, Mr. Shares-a-lot has more to say?  Turns out this Dunks establishment is more than just his breakfast spot, it’s his home away from home. He “sits there all the time” and he goes there whenever he has any legal work to do! Well how about that? Mr. Dutch is dabbling in law, maybe he spends his time there using the wifi while studying for the bar exam. Well now I’m embarrassed for judging him… NOPE just kidding he meets his attorneys there.

I’ve never needed an attorney, but I’m assuming if I did I’d meet with them in their office, right? Hey Dutch maybe you need an attorney that doesn’t work out of his/her mother’s spare bedroom.

Edna Faust
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I ❤ Edna. She is truly precious. I’m positive of 3 things: She’s a life long resident of Shamokin, she considers everyone she meets to be her friend, and she has never once stepped inside a Dunkin Donuts. She’s a Turkey Hill kinda girl for sure, and I don’t even know what Turkey Hill is, I thought that was ice cream. Her line “cold coffee, or ice coffee I guess its called” has shifted the reality in my brain forever. From now on I’m referring to it as cold coffee. For Edna.

I’m not about to do any research, but if this place hasn’t opened back up yet from the devastating paper towel fire of 2016, I suggest we start a gofundme for the poor residents of Shamokin. Like Dutch said, “It’s a cheap, classy place to meet up, its a location where you can meet up with your friends, it’s the only thing this town has.”

 

 

PS the whole time I’ve been writing this, this stupid gif has been in my head. The citizens of Shamokin must have LOVED The Mask back in the 90’s.
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