I’m a life long New Englander.  I’m not going to complain about shoveling, it sucks but it’s part of life. But there’s a certain tipping point where I say “fuck winter” and hate everything till it’s over. It’s something that is out of the ordinary that goes above and beyond to piss me off. It happens every year… and this year I made it all the way to March before it happened. This is my story.

These are my stairs:


Awesome right? I live on a first floor apartment but retain the benefit of trudging up a full flight of stairs every day. #blessed.
Well I get home to find my steps looking like something from Home Alone mixed with Disney’s Frozen. They were completely clear when I left that morning, so I can’t fault my landlord for the death trap leading to my door. And besides, I’m an adult who can take care of himself. So I carefully made my way up the stairs like a champ and triumphantly reached the top. I’m a veteran of this shit, winter can’t beat me. So I grabbed the bag of rock salt on the porch to be a fuckin hero and save the lives of everyone else who lives in the building. I got a little cocky from my confidence and walked down a couple steps to get a better throwing angle for the lower steps. I focused too much on where the salt was landing and not enough on how my foot is sliding around during my perfect “feeding the pigeon” throwing motion. Needless to say my foot removed itself from the step without my permission. I lost my balance, tried to plant the rouge foot to catch my weight on the step below, and obviously the ice prevented me from having any success in saving myself. Somehow my feet were yanked to the sky because I landed with the entirety of my weight on my thigh hitting the edge of the first stone step, and I got a quick ride to the sidewalk hitting my knee, thigh, back and elbow on every step on the way down.

So in closing; I’m officially out on winter 2017. I made it pretty deep into the season but the streak is over. I almost survived without hating the world. My bruises may never heal from this one, and I’ll never get cocky on steps ever again.

Visual, imagine something like this but on steps: