A quick note to anyone who can’t choose if they want to travel to Korea or China. The answer is Korea. Why you ask? Well despite some glaring pros and cons of both places, this morning the internet enlightened me and showed just how far ahead Korea is with their pooper R&D. In my opinion, shit logistics are pretty high up on the list of things to consider when you travel so throw your Frommer’s in the trash and listen up.
Korea took a bunch of money, developers, and innovators, locked them in the room and told them to figure out the best way to go about taking a shit. They focused on the hard hitting issues that cross the path of a prairie-dogger and created a convenient way to show you which stalls are open and which are occupied. None of that awkward light taping on the door to see if its taken, or the gamble you take by pushing it open. None of those gangster leans to see if there are any khaki draped new-balances laying loaf. Just straight to the toilet, no middle man necessary. Sort of like Seamless, except you want the experience to be shit.
Genius idea, but like anything great there is always room for improvement. A timer in each stall would be a nice way to dodge aromatic ambush. Also, Tell me which sinks have abad automatic sensor that make me break out the jazz hands. Maybe even a toilet paper inventory indicator too!. Which brings me to this.
Six dispensers, designed by the Shoulian Zhineng company, were recently placed at the entrance to the restrooms. Those seeking relief must first stare into a computer attached to the machine for three seconds. It records their image before spitting out a two-foot long sheet of tissue paper.
“The sheets are too short,” Wang Jianquan, a 63-year-old retiree, told the New York Times.
And the machines are slow, too. They take 30 seconds to dispense the paper, according to a China Radio International report (though a GIF created by the New York Times makes it seem much faster). If you need more paper, let’s hope you’re not in a rush. The computer won’t dispense a second round of paper to the same person for nine — potentially excruciating — minutes.
“If we encounter guests who have diarrhea or any other situation in which they urgently require toilet paper, then our staff on the ground will directly provide the toilet paper,” a park spokesman told the Beijing Wanbao newspaper.
China, what the fuck man. You mean to tell me I have to look into this machine, and get authorized to print out some shit tickets? Its going to take 30 seconds, and I only get two feet? I get the whole one child per family thing, but this…this is just asinine. Facial recognition software even being accurate in China is a pretty impressive feat to begin with, and you use it on this malarkey? Wang Jianquan has been taking way to many dick shots to have to settle for anything less than a yard. Here’s the real kicker though:
“We brainstormed many options: fingerprints, infrared and facial recognition,” Lei Zhenshan, marketing director for Shoulian Zhineng, told the New York Times. “We went with facial recognition, because it’s the most hygienic way.’’
Hygiene is even a consideration in this endeavor?! I’m no statistician, but brown-eye cleanliness has a SEVERE inverse correlation with how much TP you are allotted. Yeah I wanted the cheapest ticket, so I flew first class. I wanted to save some gas so I took the F-150 instead of the Tesla. I want you guys to stay clean, so pretty much no toilet paper.
I think the higher ups at Shoulian Zhineng Inc need to devour a container of stir fry and see how they like using a CVS receipt to wipe their ass before they start mandating this garbage. Gotta do better than this China. Korea is dragging you through the mud(butt).