I just read Jomboy’s latest post  regarding his boring ass keychain situation. I respect him enough to not sugarcoat it:
Jom, your key situation isn’t good. It’s actually pretty bad. Correct yourself immediately.

Take my keys for instance. At first glance they’re pretty average, but give it a second look and I’ll have your attention for a brief moment… which is exactly what I want.

Yes I want attention, but only enough to strike up a conversation and move on. Why? because when you’re pinned down in an awkward silence with someone you should be able to talk with (your boss, in-law, girlfriend’s friend, etc…) bringing up the weather just wont cut it.

So lets talk about my keys. Right away you’ll notice a lack of a car key. I have a car with one of those bulky key/remote things but I only put it on my key ring over the weekends if I’m driving. I’m a city guy who walks to the T to get to and from work, no need for that big black rectangle taking up valuable pocket space…

“But Sheehan, taking a key on and off a key ring is the worst!
It hurts my fingers. Why not just leave it on?”

Well I’m glad you asked, because my Liberty Chevrolet key ring solves that problem. Just pull the circle away from the keys and it snaps out of place, allowing keys to flow freely on and off. Fun Fact about this one: It’s actually the first keychain I ever got. My dad works at Liberty and gave it to me when he finally trusted me enough to have a house key. And not for nothing- it tells everyone I love America. Functional, Sentimental, & Patriotic. That’s a triple shot of interesting.

Moving on, I have my house key, office key, and the key to my parent’s house (because I earned the right to barge in there whenever I damn well please) It used to have Patriots logos painted on it but they’ve worn off. I have a vintage key which I picked up while antiquing with my girl (shoutout to getting older), and I was given an antique keyhole during a tour of a renovation warehouse. I thought it made sense to throw it on the ring next to the key.

Finally there’s that terrifying little sharp object. That’s a P-38 US Speaker can opener. One of the originals issued to soldiers in WW2. This little guy is not only a piece of American history, it’s a major accomplishment in design. The government tasked engineers with creating a can opener that works, will not get dull, wont break, and can be safely kept in a soldiers pocket. I took the picture with it open but it folds down flat. I can testify that it is roughly 70 years old and is still sharp as fuck… it hurts me sometimes.

So there we have it. Yes your keys say a lot about you. Mine say a few things, but mostly they say I like to talk and I fucking love America. 🇺🇸


PS – Jomboy,  your father’s keys (Audi + gym tag) say he’s a god damn boss. Your brother’s keys key on the other hand (… just Dodge) concerns me a great deal. Don’t know why, but you just can’t trust someone who’s keys give zero information about who they are or where they go. Just keep an eye on that one.