bo-dietl

So my man Bo decided to have a little sit down with The Daily Beast to talk about the upcoming NYC mayoral race. If your into the actual politics of this stuff, the only thing I took from it was that Bo isn’t totally against legalizing weed, and is distancing himself from Trump to win the public opinion of NYC. The rest is Bo chewing the fat, and let me tell you, its gold.  If your looking for a little context on who Bo is check out my first blog endorsing him.

The article itself is pretty lengthy, so I decided to just highlight some gems.

Dietl has dibs on Rao’s largest table, Table No. 1, which seats 10, and has used it to work his way into the company of the high and mighty—which in turn has enhanced his social and business connections.

Again, never failing to mention his status at Rao’s. Not only that he has one of the coveted tables, but he has the LARGEST table in the joint. If you think corporate liaisons and proper conference room sit downs are how deals get done around here, you are sadly mistaken. Inviting someone to Rao’s pretty much makes them indebted to you for eternity, so starting off a nice sit down there makes everything lean in your favor from the get-go. Table 1 is reserved for Bo and his boys, don’t even think about getting in the way of him and his rigatoni. That’s where business is done, capiche?

“I live on 90th and York on the 29th floor, and I see what a big, high fucking wall that he put around Gracie Mansion,” he says, referring to de Blasio’s installation two years ago of a so-called “privacy fence” to prevent passersby from peering into the mayor’s Upper East Side official residence. “I don’t know why he needs a wall around it. Maybe a little toot? Not the worst thing in the world.

…What? What was that you just slipped in there? I had to read that over and over again because I thought I kept missing a word or two. A toot?  DeBlasio built an entire wall around his house so he can rail lines in peace? Not the craziest accusation I’ve heard, but that collection of sentences jumps all over the place.  Gave me ADD just reading it.  ” Yeah fuck this guy, building a wall around his house huh? For what, what are you doing blow back there. What do yo have to hide, scumbag. Hey coke’s not so bad!” I would love to be a fly on the wall watching Bo enjoy his morning coffee while muttering these unstrung thoughts at the clouds like a cranky neighbor.

Dietl goes on: “This guy (DeBlasio) is a lazy person…He’s stupid, in the sense that he’s very articulate and he can read a Teleprompter, he says all the right words, except you don’t feel like his heart is in it…I’d love to debate him…I’d fight him any fucking time. Lock me in a cage. I’ll eat his fucking balls for fucking breakfast.”

YESSSSS. Lets get primal and eat this clown! Working the talking points like a seasoned politician.  Discusses debates. Uses some three syllable words.  And then just casually pulls a sliiight pivot over to cannibalistic castration. Channels his inner Kobiashi and just straight says he wants to eat another mans balls alongside his eggs and hash-browns.

I hope to god Bo makes it to just one debate with DeBlasio. They would probably have to his glock away for it, because I can’t totally rule out the possibility of Bo accidentally pulling a podium pop and putting a hole in Bill’s foot. “I sweaah it was an accident, deez glocks have a haih triggah ya’know”

During their meeting in Catsimatidis’s office, Dietl says, he told the billionaire he couldn’t win this time either, but if Dietl pulls it off, he would like to appoint Catsimatidis as a deputy mayor—and then, to demonstrate his get-up-and-go, Dietl dropped down on the floor and did 66 pushups.

Ahhh yes. Anything to demonstrate how many push ups he can do. Oh we’re drinking Martini’s in the Friars Club? I’m gonna drop down and give you 60. We all know this city is held together one push up at a time. DeBlasio probably couldn’t even knock out 10 kneelers.

Dietl recently met with Catsimatidis, a prominent member of the Friars Club, over how his security firm, Beau Dietl & Associates, might help the show business group survive an ongoing federal embezzlement investigation. (Dietl deemed “Beau” more professional-sounding than “Bo.”)

Gotta love how much thought Bo/Beau puts into keeping his image professional. Forget about calling your opponent a cartoon character,  threatening to eat his cock or challenging them to a push up battle. Gotta class that name up a bit and turn an over-all wearing redneck into a sophisticated plantation owner.

Dietl paced his office (limping from a long-ago ankle injury sustained in a skydiving mishap)

Is there anything Bo hasn’t done? Guy sounds like the most interesting man in the world. Just walking around with a glock on his hip, jumping out of planes, dining with the mob. Is this our next mayor, or Johnny Utah?

—pointing off in the distance in New York Harbor—“look at the little lady over there. What’s her name? That hooker? And there are my boys in Staten Island. On the other side of my office, I have the Bronx. So I have a view of every borough!”

And the cherry on top. “Dares’ JFK, dares’ my boys in Staten Island, dares’ da bronx… oh yeah, and dares’ dat whore Lady Liberty.” Sounds like Bo just likes to sit up in his pent-house like a child playing I Spy.

I mean look at this guys office. You know he just sits up there playing with his attack helicopters, shooting imaginary heat seekers at Gracie Mansion and making explosion sounds with his mouth. 24campaign1-superjumbo