Guardians of the Galaxy Vol. 2 – May 5th

Another Marvel movie. This is the 14th in the series, maybe? I’m not sure but it doesn’t matter… It’s been circled on my calendar for months now and I’ve already got my tickets for opening night. I’ve been listening to the soundtrack on repeat and I’ve got my Baby Groot bobble head staring at me as I type this… You could say I’m excited.

 

King Arthur Legend of the Sword – May 12th

This is an odd one.
Judging from the trailer it looks like equal parts Game of Thrones, A Knight’s Tale, with a dash of Guardians of the Galaxy (yup, I just referenced it again).  What I’m saying is, it looks fucking incredible. Love that guy Jax (Charlie Hunnam) from Sons of Anarchy, and Jude Law playing a dickhead king? I can’t think of a better way to spend my money.
For what it’s worth though…. King Arthur was a real person in history, a person who I’m positive didn’t have magical powers. How did this guy end up getting so much credit for being a legendary hero? Just by hundreds of years of misinformation? If that’s the case, then in a few hundred years will history say Abe Lincoln was a United States President who hunted vampires? …I hope so.

 

Snatched – May 12th

If you laughed at this trailer and feel the urge to see this piece of shit then maybe you should stop reading my blogs. I don’t support you or your opinions.

 

Lowriders – May 12th

This one just doesn’t move the needle for me. I feel nothing watching it. Maybe it’s because I’m super white and haven’t even seen a lowrider before, but I don’t think that’s the case. It’s probably because I can already tell how it ends. The father works on cars and wants his sons to work on them too to keep them off the streets and out of trouble because he messed around on the wrong side of the law when he was younger and was lucky enough to straighten up and provide for his family… right? Right. Pass.

 

Everything, Everything – May 19th

Nope. Either she gets sick and dies from her big day outside, or she survives and it turns out she’s not as sick as everyone thought and she has actually just been a prisoner inside her own home for 18 years. Depressing and sappy. Nope.

 

Alien: Covenant – May 19th

I just did some swift googling to realize this is the sequel to Prometheus, and its a part of a prequel series to the Alien franchise. I thought it was just a reboot, but nope this just a part of the bigger picture. How about that? I’ve never seen any of these movies because it’s typically not my thing, but when you throw Danny McBride into a scifi thriller? whoa boy I can’t wait to see how he dies. The comedian always dies.

 

Baywatch – May 25th

Time to be 100% truthful: I was expecting to hate this thing once I heard it was in production. I figured this would be the thing that finally got me to stop loving Dwayne Johnson. I KNEW it would be a guaranteed flop… well here we are now and I need to admit that I’ve had a change of heart. I am extremely excited to see this dumb movie. Like, EXTREMELY excited.
It’s obvious they’re self aware which is why I think it will work so well. It’s liked they’ve mirrored the strategy from 22 Jump Street without caring about a damn thing. I love it.

 

Pirates of the Caribbean:Dead Men Tell No Tales -May 26th

I know my feelings on this franchise (pure love), but am I wrong in thinking that everyone in the world likes these movies? Not everyone loves them, sure, but I can’t imagine someone saying “ugh no I hate that wonderful movie franchise”. This is definitely one that crushes it in the box office and then goes on to dominate the OnDemand circuit.
Fun fact: this is the movie that Depp was filming when he got in trouble for smuggling his dogs into the country and had to go to court over it. Never forget, Australia hates small dogs.

 

War Machine – May 26th

This is a bit different, we’ve got a Netflix movie making my Trailer Dump for the first time ever. I certainly don’t hate it, in fact it’s a sign of great things to come. This is a big movie with a big lead actor, and we get it delivered to our TV’s for no extra charge. The future!!!
Now, as far as the movie goes… I think it looks good. I can’t get a read on it but I know it’s based on the true story of Gen. Stanley McChrystal and his task of finishing the war in Afghanistan (spoiler alert, it’s still going on). I love movies based on recent history like this because it makes me feel smarter as a person for watching it. I don’t understand what the world news tells me because I get bogged down in the names I don’t understand and the places I can’t locate. But put it into a movie with Brad Pitt leading the way and you’ll be educating the masses.