NY POST– McDonalds is launching delivery service in New York and throughout the Tri-State area on Wednesday, the Daily News has exclusively learned.
The burger chain teamed up with UberEATS — an online meal order and delivery service that partners with restaurants around the world — to bring faster food from more than 300 select Mickey D’s locations to homes in New York City, Westchester, Connecticut and New Jersey .
Ok, Ok, settle down now. I know we’ve all been waiting for McDonald’s delivery, but now that its on the horizon, I started crunching some logistics and deep rational thinking about whether or not its actually going to work. After some soul searching and meditation, I have decided this new endeavor is going to be sort of like communism: Perfect in theory, horrible in execution.
Small Freshness Window
For food that stays edible and mold free for months, McDonald’s food has an ironically small window of freshness. McDonald’s fries are enjoyable for negative .000001 seconds, and then they turn to cardboard shoe laces coated in surf wax. The true pros knows that keeping the bag open and free of moisture buys you maybe a couple minutes before the sog monster takes over and ruins half the meal, but there’s no way I can trust delivery drivers to take the necessary measures to retain my meals consistency. I’m going assume that these deliveries will be in tightly secured Larry David approved packages that make everything drenched in condensation. Nuggets will be spongey. Lettuce will soaked. Not the best.
Order Fuck Ups
We all know the quintessential step after receiving your meal, is making sure its all there and prepared correctly. The little stop after the drive thru pick up is what separates the men from the boys. Peep that bag open. Rustle around in there to make sure they didn’t forget chicken selects, gave us ketchup etc. We good? Ok lets go. Like any drug transaction, you inspect the goods. Had a buddy come over once and he told me he was stopping at McDonalds before hand and asked if I wanted something. I asked for two cheeseburgers. Guy came back and literally didn’t have one part of my meal. I asked him if he checked the bag before he left and he looked at me like I was a paranoid schizophrenic . “Check the bag? Who does that. I just assume it’s all in there.” Should have seen daggers the rest of the room threw at him. Gotta inspect the merch.
You always check the bag. Everyone knows that, because everyone has experienced a fucked up order from a fast food place. Happens all the time, and will continue to happen unless veterans like myself are there to make sure it all goes down without a hitch. You think the Uber Eat’s guy is going to rifle through your food to do anything else other than steal some fries? Absolutely not. And to think your just going to call up and get the correct order re-delivered? Yeah right. Try staring down a steamy Mickey D’s, while waiting another 45 minutes because you asked for no onions. Try resisting that smell. That brings us to reason number three.
McDonalds Smelling Ubers
I’ll be completely honest, I have never seen an Uber Eats car. Seen plenty of Ubers. No Eats. Which leads me to believe that these delivery drivers will simply be making deliveries in between pick-up/drop off’s. From a business stand point, this is genius! Maximize the potential revenue by embracing each market at its peak. Horizontal integration at its finest. Smart move for Uber, smart move for the driver, not a smart move for the passengers.
From a consumer standpoint, this will make me start taking the bus. The smell of McDonalds can be one of the most polarizing things out there. When you are about to indulge, its euphoria. L’eau De Lard. Every other situation, it has a similar effect to Sex Panther or Sarin gas. Just drives people away with a scrunched up nose. When you aren’t expecting it or aren’t eating it, its gross as fuck. No one wants to get into a car that just delivered a bunch of fried fast food. Uber has just conquered the battle against smelly ass cabs, and now we are going to start coating the interiors with air-borne trans fats? Step in the wrong direction.
What they should be doing is unveiling a different, yet similar service. Uber, Uber X, UberEAT’s. You chose an UberEAT’s when you need a ride somewhere, but want to stop and get some fast food on the way. This way, you can eat the food fresh, won’t mind the smell, and can inspect the order on site. You’re welcome Uber, I’ll take my payment in UberEAT’s free for life coupons. 3 A.M. rides home just became the highlight of my weekend.