The Yard Goats have a special spot in Half-Glass hearts thanks to Jomboy irritating the shit out of them in their earliest days. Last night they had a stadium giveaway where they handed out their first ever bobblehead… and oh boy was it a doozy…. a masterpiece. If their’s one thing the Goats know how to do, it’s creating buzz. Just look at this thing. Drink it in. Let the image sink deep into your soul…

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This bobblehead achieves an unreal level of awful and ugly. The mascot is already terrifying and wearing an ugly polka dot dress, and then you add questionable craftsmanship from a mass produced production line and the result is a simply MUST HAVE for anyone who likes bobbles.  But I was unable to get one because they were only giving them to kids 14 and under. I fully admit, you’re either a bobble person or you’re not. If you’re not then you just don’t get it- and I’m fine with that. BUT there is one undeniable truth:

BOBBLEHEADS ARE NOT FOR CHILDREN. Why? Because they’re not a toy. Not like it has too much value to be played with, no. If it were a toy it’d be the worst, most boring toy on earth. You think some 6 year old is looking at this thing saying “I can’t wait to use this to mix things up with my action figures at home” NO of course not. They were handing these things out to babies and toddlers for christ sakes!! Do you want your baby gnawing on this thing’s head? Do you want your toddler running around holding this heavy figure with a spring loaded head, dropping it and having shards of hard plastic scatter everywhere? (I saw this happen last night. It smashed to pieces so easily) NO.

Look, I’m not upset I didn’t get one. I definitively would’ve taken one obviously but my point is it’s ridiculous to think these things are exclusively for children 14 and under. You know what the best application for a bobblehead is? Sitting on a god damn desk.

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Adults have desks.

I can’t think of many giveaways that should be age exclusive aside from maybe glassware being limited to adults, and youth sized hats for kids. But one thing for sure is the thought process behind giving bobbleheads to babies little kids is flawed at best. The Yard Goats gave away 2,000 of these things last night. I’d say 50% are either broken or thrown away, 25% made it to some kid’s bedroom where he proudly displays it (good for you kid, you get it) and then the last 25% are on the parent’s desk at work because again, who the fuck gives a bobblehead to a baby.