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BREAKING NEWS! The Celtics’ front office did something very un-American yesterday: They worked.

Apparently it was a clusterfuck of misinformation on ESPN. First we signed Gordon Hayward, then we didn’t, but we did, but no he still hadn’t made up his mind… then he did. The official announcement came via Gordon’s Players Tribune post thanking Utah for all the good times and losses they shared together.

My opinion? I’d say this was a done deal early that morning, maybe even the night before, but Gordo wasn’t finished with his goodbye post yet so he didn’t want to spill the beans. Kinda like ignoring the texts from your girlfriend while you’re crafting that 2 page break up text. Classic scenario.

So who is this guy?

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As a true bandwagon fan, I have no fucking clue. But judging by the way the internet is losing it’s mind- he must be AWESOME! Hell yeah!!! Make the Celtics Great Again!! Let’s look at google to get some insight on this White Wonder.

Basics
He’s originally from Indiana. He went to Butler for a quick couple of years (no degree, disappointing) where he played for the Celtics’ current HC Brad Stevens- nice! He’s 27 years old so he’s in his prime, and he’s 6′-8″ tall which is good!

Where’s He Been?
UTAH!! Yup, he was drafted 9th overall in 2010 and has been in Mormon country ever since. They REALLY liked him there. He’s earned the coveted honor of getting your jersey lit on fire upon leaving… No joke, that would be my dream if I were an athlete. No greater sense of worth.

How Good Is He?
Well, that’s where I’m a bit fuzzy… he hasn’t won anything, but he’s been stuck in Utah where nothing happens ever. He’s been in the league for 7 seasons and has only been an all-star once… so that’s odd.

How Much Is He Getting Paid?
$128 Million over 4 years. This makes him a rich man, and one of the top paid players in the league.

Does He Have Nice Hair?
You tell me:
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Ok so my personal analysis tells me this isn’t SUPER impressive, but the internet tells me otherwise so I’ll listen to it.  So the signing of Gordon Hayward can only mean one thing:

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