This month is FULL of awesome releases, albeit back ended on the last couple Fridays of the month. Going to be a lot of time spent at the theater and definitely not pirating any.

IT – Sept. 8th

I’m not a fan of horror movies. I don’t watch them. Not because I’m afraid, it’s because I hate that “surprised scared” feeling. Whenever I had to go into haunted houses I would hang around the back of the group so I could see what was coming. Nothing in there could scare me other than a sudden jump from a dark corner and I’d be bullshit about it.
Although this movie looks like it sucks so that’s another reason not to see it. It will definitely terrify children with bad parents who let them watch it. It will also bring up bad memories for all the adults who had bad parents in 1990 that let them watch it. But other than that it looks pretty bad and lame.

 

Home Again – Sept. 8th

I truly do not understand what is going on here. All I know is this movie wasn’t made for me. I’m not a middle aged single mother who makes poor decisions on her birthday and ends up adopting (?) her hookup and his friends and tries to live under one roof with her ex husband who suddenly comes back into her life… That’s not me. Not a single item in that list appeals to me. I’m sure it will delight anyone who can relate.

 

American Assassin – Sept. 15th

I would buy a ticket to watch Michael Keaton tie his shoes. I think he’s the best known yet most underrated actor out there, and this might be his best work yet. Watching that trailer sucked me in hard, it’ll be a must watch for sure. The only thing I hated about it was the proposal. If you bring a diamond ring into the ocean tied to a string, you’re a certified idiot and probably won’t do well in the assassin game. Just a gut feeling.

 

mother! – Sept. 15th

I thought this was going to be a remake of “Mommie Dearest” but I got that entirely wrong. I thought Jennifer Lawrence was supposed to be the crazy one, and maybe she is, but who knows. All I know is it looks like there is an Ed Harris/ Michelle Pfeiffer sex scene and the 90’s kid inside me is very excited for that.

 

Kingsman: The Golden Circle – Sept. 22

LETS GOOOOOOOOOOOO
This is how spy movies should be. Not the type where you need working knowledge of finance, counter terrorism, diplomatic grievances, and martial arts. Just a few good guys going after a bad guy who’s trying to take over the world.  I’m pretty sure the original Kingsman was the most unexpected success of the century and I’m happy to see it looks like they are bringing the heat with this sequel. CAN. NOT. WAIT.  but is Eggsy serious with his criticism of the lasso? He uses a frigin umbrella to fight.

 

Stronger – Sept. 22

All the tears and feels in the world. I’m bias because I’m a Bostonian, but I’m already giving Jake Gyllenhall an Oscar nomination for this role. Jeff Bauman is an average man who became an American Hero but paid a huge price in the process. Without him we may have never caught the bastards who blew up the marathon. I’m glad his story is being told through is own words.

 

The LEGO Ninjago Movie – Sept. 22

Another LEGO movie? sure why not. The first two were awesome so this one is a guaranteed hit despite it being about ninjas and filled with bad pun jokes. LEGO always works.

 

Battle of the Sexes – Sept. 22

I’m pretty sure Steve Carell’s career has been building to this role. Everything about it is perfect for him. I’d say this would be a must watch based on his misogynistic lines alone but it’s only an appetizer to one of the greatest stories in the history of American sports. Emma Stone’s make up artist deserves a ton of credit for making her look like Billie Jean and not like one of the hottest actresses in hollywood. I love Emma, I think she’s a great actress, I’d say this role is something the Academy will recognize as important to women’s rights in film and they’ll give her a nomination. I hope she crushes it.
PS I laughed out loud at Carell playing tennis with a frying pan. That’s just funny.

 

Brad’s Status – Sept. 22

Well this looks a little depressing and weird.  I think I’m going to file this under “not for me”, but when I reach my mid life crisis I’ll be sure to circle back and check it out. I’m sure it’ll have a much bigger impact whenever that happens.

 

Flatliners – Sept. 29

What did I just watch? Oh, stopping your heart and flat lining repeatedly for longer and longer amounts of times didn’t really work out for you? SHOCKING. I’m sure they’re trying to say it looks like Death is trying to get them for cheating it so many times, but the truth is when you stop blood flow to your brain it kills brain cells. They’re choking their brains out. They’re not seeing Death come for them, they’re becoming brain dead. Brilliant plan guys.

 

American Made – Sept. 29

I keep thinking I’m #Done with Tom Cruise, but he keeps coming out with movies that are mildly interesting like this so I’m stuck. He’s got me on the hook and I hate it. There’s absolutely nothing special about this movie but it looks like it’ll be good. Definitely something I’ll wait for to come out OnDemand in a couple months.
By the way I heard this a couple days ago: has every Tom Cruise trailer released in the past few years involved him either being inside or hanging onto a flying plane? I’m pretty sure they do. I’m not about to do that research but I’ll throw it out there for anyone to verify.