Ted Cruz has been hot in the streets this week after he liked a porn clip (shout out a fav of mine Cory Chase!)
But we’re a sex positive blog so I’m not going to bust Mr. Cruz’s balls for this. No sir. He can watch and like any porn he wants to. HOWEVA, I do think this proves once and for all that Ted “Cruisin” Cruz is a diehard stoolie. It’s well known that most of the guys who blog on this site are fans of Barstool and I’m no different. All I’m doing today is proving that Ted Cruz is also no different but one of us. Before we get to all that though let’s start at the beginning: Donnie Does taunting Cruz.
For those of you who hadn’t seen that video before, back in February of 2016 then non-Barstool employee Donnie Does trolled Cruz by holding up a sign of him and Kevin from the Office and it quickly went viral. I remember this was before I was a fan of Donnie and I definitely saw it so I’m guessing you did too. For many it was the start of no one taking Cruz seriously as a candidate anymore – Trump and Marco were pulling away from the pack of candidates and now the third place guy was Kevin! You couldn’t vote for Kevin! Flash forward a few months and Cruz dropped out of the race but luckily he was backing Trump so he’d still have an in at the White House. Then Election Day happens and Trump wins AND almost immediately starts ousting Cruz from the inner circle. Pretty sure it was the next day that rumors were flying that Cruz was being kicked out. Humiliated and dejected Cruz slinked off home and begun to wonder how it all went wrong and that’s when he remembers that jerk from his rally who held up a sign mocking him. It must be this man’s fault! So he starts to do some research online to see who this guy is.
While Cruz is diving into his research into this protester, the protester has been having a crazy year himself. He went on Barstool Idol briefly and then lands a job with them!
So back to our main man, Cruz. As Donnie was a fairly well known internet celebrity/comedian he was pretty easy to track down but while researching him Cruz also learns about Barstool Sports. I imagine one of his aides was probably a fan and told Cruz to hold off his quest for revenge and read the site and try to get to know them. So Cruz starts reading the site, watching their videos, listening to a podcast or two and slowly but surely becomes a stoolie. He’s not president and he’s not trying to be reelected so you know he has tons of time to kill.
This brings us to this week. Cruz, a diehard stoolie, has two things happen simultaneously. First is that he sees Pardon My Take post a poll about the football guy of the week and he was listed in it! And the second? Well his wife, in an effort to spice up their love life that’s been diminishing since the day he dropped out of the election, asks him what porn he watches. Cruz has a moment of clarity that only comes to a man but once or twice in his life and acts fast. Remembering the KFC Radio episode from a few weeks ago where they recommended to tell your girlfriend or wife that you watch porn with actresses that look similar to them he tells her that. But this is a woman married to Cruz so she’s doubtful. I mean look at this man:
Does this look like a man who isn’t into some freaky shit? To really sell it to her he knows he has to get caught in the act since he can’t just show her a porn and then say “see I love this one and she looks like you!” So he finds a twitter that had a clip of Cory Chase who looks like a hotter version of his wife:
Then he quickly responds to the Pardon My Take tweet KNOWING it would get a response/stoolies flocking to his page. Then it was only a matter of time until it blew up:
So this allowed him to prove to his wife that he watches porn with actresses similar to what she looks like per the advice of Barstool and gets some notoriety on the internet and with his favorite website, barstool sports dot com.