Some things in this world are impossible to describe. Impossible to understand without experiencing first hand. I’ll never really know what it feels like to give birth. I will likely never know the joy of winning the lottery.  I can’t tell you what it was like to be in WW2 Germany. Some things can be recounted but the full gravity of the event is impossible to grasp.
Unfortunately, that’s what we have here. Sitting in a theater watching mother! is equivalent to a life changing event that (even after 3 days) has left me unable to describe accurately. You have to see it to understand.

But please, DO NOT see this movie.

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I thought it would be a psychological thriller about a husband going crazy or a wife forgetting her family or something like that. Nope. I was wrong.

I knew I would be reviewing it so I tried to avoid any and all teasers online. That was a mistake because the whole thing is based on God and stories of the Bible and not knowing that put me at a disadvantage from the start (which says a lot about the quality of this film. aka sucked). I was completely lost and everything seemed very nonsensical until one point near the end when the husband started blessing his fans. That’s when I finally realized it had something to do with religion.

In hindsight it all adds up to an extent, but the douchebag director Darren Aronofsky very clearly shoehorned all the pieces together in a way that suited his needs. He took the most beloved and controversial book in history, grabbed the parts that are realistically unsettling, threw in some cheap suspense and a couple of A-list celebrities, and dialed it up to a BILLION in order to create a piece of trash to get everyone talking about him. Bravo asshole, you succeeded.

The worst part about the whole thing? This:

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“…thought provoking product of a singularly ambitious artistic artistic vision, though it may be too unwieldy for mainstream tastes.”
FUCK YOU.  This is the problem. It’s mid-September, all the narcissistic critics are coming out of the woodwork after taking the summer off to hide from the sun. “oh you wouldn’t like it, for the very reason you asked if it were good or not. It’s not about being good, it’s about being an experience and pushing the limits of cinema”– every douchebag critic who saw this movie and thought to themselves “i didn’t really understand but it made me uncomfortable so I should probably praise it to make myself look edgy”

This started out as a blog warning you to not watch mother!, but it turned into a blog bashing movie critics who think they’re better than the general public. I’m fine with how it turned out.

PS- some of us at Half Glass are getting a movie review podcast going. Check out a clip from our test episode this weekend as we ripped this thing apart